Daddy issues? Reality check on dating older men

Things to keep in mind if you are dating somebody older than you, ( 12+ years of age difference) when dating older there are benefits as well as risks.

Typically I would write my posts gender neutral, but in this area of interest the statistics show that women are more often in this situation of dating older, as opposed to men.

Benefits: The person has had more life experience and has wisdom to offer you. They are typically more mature. They have seen the good and bad in life they Are generally established and know what they are doing in life as opposed to dating somebody in their 20’s who is still figuring out their life. They offer a sense of safety and security. They can fill voids in some sense ( some call it daddy issues but regardless, if it works for you WHO cares).

Lifestyle: A risk here is that they can be very set in their ways. Many times when dating somebody older, they expect you to drop your life and be picked up and dropped into their life they have set up. This may be a dream for some women….you get a man with a great job and a car and a boat and a house with land and a dog and everything is move-in ready. That is a beautiful thing and hats off to the man for establishing his life like that. But what if you want to live in a loft in a big city and he wants nothing to do with that idea. what if he has a dog and wants more and you dont like dogs…..” exit relationship here” KEEP in mind.. In a healthy relationship that is based on love, each party to the relationship needs to concede and be willing to make changes for the other person. If something as simple as changing which city you live in locally is going to cause an issue where the guy is unwilling to change, and if he isn’t willing to give up a pet to be with you ….is that really somebody you want to be with? I have come across this situation before and it is unfair for one person to drop their life to enter another’s …it should always be 50-50. I think that two people should want to build a life together and be willing to make concessions for the other. If there are more than 2 things you want to change about a person then you are probably with the wrong person. NEVER SETTLE

Health- LETS BE REAL- In the normal way of life with no traumatic events an older person will die sooner than the younger due to simple degenerative health conditions. Heart attack, stroke, diabetes etc. That being acknowledged you have to realize that if you are dating somebody 20 years your senior then when you are 60 they will be 80 if they are still around. Therefore it is KEY in dating an older man that he is willing to make healthy lifestyle choices to make sure he is in good health as he ages to be less of a burden to you. That is not a selfish thing to ask for. It is selfish if the older person that you are dating is not willing to work out and stay in top shape for you. That is the least they can do, out of respect for you, giving up the best starting years of your life with a partner to enjoy them in your life now. It’s going to play out to where you are taking care of your parents as well as your husband at the same time. ( this is not a negative…it’s a beautiful loving sacrifice- but it still has to be acknowledged or you will be in denial and quit the relationship early when you realize the expectations)

Finances. When somebody in their 20’s dates somebody in their 40’s it is obvious that the older person will be more financially stable and have more assets than the person in their 20’s. In most situations this is typically the reason for the relationship in the first place…and those relationships end early or are not truly satisfying. Men like to feel needed and they want to be the supporter and women like to be taken care of. This gets complicated when the women quits her job to be a part of this relationship and let’s the man support her. For the time period of the relationship this may work out well for both when both are getting what they need. You both get to spend time together and you can be the dream wife who has dinner on the table every night and meet all his needs as your full time job. BUT if the relationship ends 10 years into it and the woman has been out of the workforce for so long with no income or savings of her own it will be very difficult to be a part of society again. This needs to be discussed as a reality.

Children: Typically in their 40’s have had children who are grown now. They are usually done having kids. This needs to be established before the relationship continues…..do you want your own children? Do you get along with his? If he already has his own then they will most likely not be ok with him dating you! I mean face it, if your dad came home with a girl your age, how would you feel? Lets be real…. There is a stereotype and there will always be judgement. You have to accept the fact that you will never be #1 in his life if he has children. They will always come first. That is how it should be until they are grown and on their own. At the same time the man should never sacrifice his happiness because of a simple unapproval from the children. If that is the case then you need to move on for your own good and fall in love with somebody else who will treasure you and make you feel wanted in the midst of his circumstances. Never let your needs be bypassed because of somebody else’s choices in life. Never sell yourself short. If the kids are grown and they have their own lives then it should be a non- issue.

Retirement: This goes along with finances. When dating somebody who is set up to retire in 15-20 years, this can pose a problem if you are both not on the same page. It can work out well if the man says that when he retires he wants you to retire with him and to not work anymore and then you guys can enjoy retirement life together. That would be best case scenario for the relationship. Sometimes if that is not the case where the man can financially offer that to you, then you will come into the situation where: you go to work 40 hours a week and you are stressed and tired just like any other real- life producer and you come home to a retired husband. He has done nothing all day and is stress free and making travel plans in his retirement dream living. This is dangerous territory. It can be easy to start to resent him. I have seen this many times. It is very hard when one person has several years till retirement and their spouse sits around drinking margaritas all day. It isn’t a typical lifestyle and that is a hard pill to swallow and it isn’t something that is thought through when starting the relationship. Does he have a retirement plan for you? Are you his financial beneficiary? These are considerations in making that leap.

Do you and the person have the same retirement goals.. That is HUGE! If the person you are dating or married to wants to move to California when they retire and you still have 20 years left at your job and you like the place you work at, are you willing to move jobs for the last part of your life if you have to continue working? All things that are difficult to think about but are a reality and need to be considered.

I’m just giving some common problems that I have witnessed and experienced myself. Dating older is a wonderful thing and I approve 100%. Most of my boyfriends have been 15-20 years older than myself. I have learned a lot through the process and I have learned what really matters and have seen the realities of the end-goal. Just have fun with dating and make sure that you are both on the same page…..but realize that there are definite considerations to make if you see the relationship going further than a learning experience.

When you are ready to settle down…make sure that you are not settling!

Never settle down, settle up!

Dream Job,or Dream Community

“I went through with it. I sold my car, gave away half of my clothes and left my friends back home to move to the big city to pursue my dreams. I should have been living on top of the world, right?

And yet there I was, alone on a Saturday night, sitting on the dusty wooden floors of my over-priced, dilapidated apartment in Washington D.C. Thousands of young professionals mingled in bars and nightclubs a few blocks away, but I could not bring myself to force another surface-level conversation with people I had never met before and would probably never see again. I felt isolated.

Although I had recently enrolled in a prestigious graduate school and landed an internship with an innovative communications firm, I could not help but ask the horrifically difficult question—Was this worth it? Should I have left my friends, family and church community for the ‘next step’ in my career?

Our generation values professional opportunities and ambitious dreams over most other aspects of life. We often sacrifice depth in friendships, closeness to family members and commitments to local organizations and churches for the sake of adding lines to our resumes. Sometimes this takes the form of moving to new cities to start new jobs, but other times we simply overwork ourselves at the expense of the most important relationships in our lives. Sure, we have ambitions to run HIV clinics in Sub-Saharan Africa, to inspire inner-city students in underfunded U.S. schools, or to launch start-up companies with innovative tech solutions, but at what cost?

A generation in flux

Although we desire rich community and genuine relationships, we often do not stick around long enough for these connections to flourish.

Today, most young adults delay buying homes, getting married, having children and settling in long-term careers for the sake of flexibility. Ninety-one percent of Millennials expect to change jobs in less than three years, and this often involves transitioning cities or living situations, according to the Future Workplace “Multiple Generations @ Work” survey. As a result, we’re a generation constantly in flux. Although we desire rich community and genuine relationships, we often do not stick around long enough for these connections to flourish.

Describing young adults today, pastor and author Tim Keller illustrates this tension by saying, “I’ve never seen a generation more interested in community, more desirous of it, [but] the younger generation doesn’t want to make the sacrifices that enable community to happen, which means you have to limit your options. You can’t just move every two years.”

So what is the answer? Should we simply graduate high school and go to college, work jobs, buy houses and raise families in our hometowns for the entirety of our adult lives? Perhaps some of us should, but I believe with the proper balance, we can pursue both community and opportunity.

Thoughtfully, prayerfully consider each transition

I once saw a documentary on a guy who spent 13 years traveling around the world on bikes and boats. Although he saw amazing sights and met incredible people along the way, he completed the majority of his journey alone, and when he returned home, he lost his ability to relate to others. If we live in perpetual transition and do not take the time to root ourselves, we grow further and further away from relationships and the chances of finding genuine community decrease. For this reason, we must thoughtfully and prayerfully consider each transition before completely reshuffling our lives.

The writer of Proverbs says, “The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.” While God gives us the ability to plan, dream and pursue opportunities, we must recognize that He alone determines where we go and what we do. In other words, we are not the gods of our own lives; He is. Therefore, we must weigh our decisions in prayer and wisely consider the options. If a transition requires abandoning current commitments and only serves selfish ambitions, it is probably not a wise choice. On the other hand, if an opportunity enables growth, learning, giving and connection with others, you should feel the freedom to pursue it while asking for God’s will to be done.

Stay in touch with family/friends

The Apostle Paul embarked on three separate missionary journeys along with a trip to Rome, a distance that some scholars estimate to be about 10,000 miles total. While he repeatedly joined and left different communities, he consistently maintained relationships by writing letters and relaying messages. In addition to sending epistles, he asked his recipients to share his love and thanks with these past communities with requests like, “Give my greetings to the brothers at Laodicea.”

In the age of iPhones and social media, staying in touch with family and friends should be much easier. We simply have to be intentional with upholding connections to those that matter the most in our lives while making ourselves available for new connections. A phone call to your family matters much more than finding out via Facebook who your high school lover is dating, yet in times of transition we often lose this perspective. Sometimes the mere act of picking up the phone can mean the difference between losing a friend and strengthening a relationship.

We should feel the freedom to chase our dreams, so long as we do not isolate ourselves in the process.

Pursue community wherever you are

After wrestling with isolation and the lack of stability that came with my move to Washington D.C. last year, I decided to make a change. I moved into a community house with 10 other people in the heart of the city. Although some of the guys in the house struggle with honoring “personal space” and do not understand the concept of “inside voices,” the friendships I’ve made have been invaluable. I now have both community and opportunity, and I could not be more thankful for the transition I made.

None of us should trade friends and family for jobs, but in an age of global opportunities, we should feel the freedom to chase our dreams, so long as we do not isolate ourselves in the process. As a poet once said, “No man is an island.” Wherever we go and whatever we do, we should seek community and willingly make sacrifices to foster depth in our relationships.”

I could not figure out a way to share this from the site I read it on so I copied and pasted it. But I really connected with it. Curt Devine is an insightful writer I follow.
Read more at http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/career-money/dream-job-or-dream-community#zXYlDuIyXJbKi2FF.99

Dont Waste Your Life

Life is short, I dont want to waste it anymore. I like to be real and honest. I don’t agree with the American Dream that I was made to live an average life. I wasn’t made to work 40 hrs a week at a so called job that I feel forced to work, I wasn’t made just to be born get married and make children. I wasn’t made to be a slave to debt a Mortgage, bills and etc. I wasn’t made to live my entire life looking towards to retirement and long life and worrying that social security is going to run out.

If you want to Know what I was made for I will tell you and this is what my creator, my lord and king has told me.

1. I was made to love My Creater (God)  and anybody and everybody no matter who they are and if they don’t like me or not.

2. I was made to bring light to dark places ( with a light that comes from truth(Jesus) and a smile and a joy and happiness. and (have fun, yes christian know how to have fun)

3. I was made with a purpose to bring Hope to the hopeless and to bring Good news to the people with no news or bad news.

4. I was made to be a royal priesthood, a holy nation, and God special possession.

5. I was made to encourage people when they are discouraged.

6. I was made to be thankful and never complain and knowing that everyday is a new gift of life.

7. I was made to help my brothers and sisters in need.

8. I was made to have compassion to the brokenhearted and bear their burden in good time and bad times.

9. I was made to be like Jesus and be a servant and make disciple to all nations and baptizing in the Trinity of the Father ,Son and Holy Spirit

10. I was made to walk in victory and walk in power through Christ works and declare his name above all things and have faith in him through grace and set free from the grip of sin and embrace and love by the Father.

2014 is a year of Release of newness and a time of calling sons and daughters out of darkness and back to the love of The Father.

There are great and excited things coming this year and with the next few days i will be announcing how God want to use me for his kingdom

This is the Scripture For 2014 : 1 Peter 2:9 But you are not like that, for you are a chosen people. You are royal priests, a holy nation, God’s very own possession. As a result, you can show others the goodness of God, for he called you out of the darkness into his wonderful light.

Also this is my anthem for the year this Song By Hillsong “Tear Down The Walls”

It not about me but it about his Glory being displayed to The World.This Photo I took of Jerusalem when I was in Israel last year

Oh, the places you’ll go!

Whenever I get stalled in life and need to find direction or I lose heart or I feel stuck and alone I refer to my favorite Dr. Seuss book….

Congratulations! Today is your day. You’re off to great places! You’re off and away! You have brains in your head. Your feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And you are the guy who decide where to go. You’ll look up and down the streets. Look em over with care. About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.” With your head full of brains in your shoes full of feet, you are too smart to go down any not so good street. And you may not find any you’ll want to go down. In that case, of course, you’ll head straight out-of-town. It’s opener there in the wide-open air. Out their things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you. And when things start to happen, don’t worry. Don’t stew. Just go right along. Your start happening too. Oh the places you’ll go! You’ll be on your way up! You’ll be seeing great sites! You’ll join the high flyers who soar to high heights. You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed. You will pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you’ll be best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest……. Except when you don’t. Because, sometimes, you won’t. I’m sorry to say so but, sadly, it’s true that bang ups and hangups can happen to you. You can get all hung up in a prickly perch and your gang will fly on. You’ll be left in a lurch. You’ll come down from the lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you’ll be in a slump. And when you’re in a slump, you’re not in for much fun. Unslumping yourself is not easily done. You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked. A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin! Do you dare to stay out? You dare to go in? How much can you lose? How much can you win? And if you go in, should you turn left or right… Or right and three quarters? Or maybe, not quite? Or go around back and sneak in from behind? Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find, for a mind maker upper to make up his mind. You can get so confused that you’ll start into race down long wiggled roads to break necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdest wild space, headed, I fear toward a most useless place. …..The waiting place…….. For people just waiting. Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a yes or no or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting. Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for when to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting perhaps, for their uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a better break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or another chance. Everyone is just waiting. NO! That’s not for you!!! Somehow you’ll escape All that waiting and staying. You’ll find the right places where boom bands are playing. With banner flip flapping, once more you’ll ride high! Ready for anything under the sky. Ready because you’re that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you’ll go! There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. There are games to be won. And the magical things you can do with that ball will make you the winningest winner of all. Fame! You’ll be famous as famous can be, with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.
Except when I don’t. Because sometimes, they won’t. I’m afraid that sometimes you play lonely games too. Games you can’t win because you’ll play against you. ALL alone! Whether you like it or not, alone will be something you’ll be quite a lot. And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between Hither and Yon, that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on. But on you will go though the weather befoul. I knew ago their enemies prowl. On you will go through the Hakken- Kraks Howl. Onward up many of frightening Creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you’ll hike. And I know you’ll hike far and Face up to your problems whatever they are. You’ll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You Up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that life is a great balancing act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never makes up your right foot with your left.

And Will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! It’s 98 and 3/4% guaranteed KID, YOU’LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!
So… Be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ali van Allen o’shea … Your off to great places! Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting. So… Get on your way!